Me & Joan (of Arc) Read online



  ME & JOAN (of Arc)

  A play about love, power, identity, sexuality, and faith.

  What the critics say

  “Intriguing” “Funny” …what particularly impressed me was the sweet, unaffected nature of the exchange…in which we hear the authentic…voices of these two interesting women as they seek to share a common search for integrity and purpose across a gaping cultural divide.” Clifford A. Ridley, THE PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

  “Joan projects magnificent power and grace, while Lili embodies contemporary sexual energy and charm. ... reaffirms both Lili's faith and ours…opposed to the official Catholic stances on women's issues, nevertheless proves sympathetic toward St Joan and her spirituality.” Tish Dace, PLAYS INTERNATIONAL

  “A suicidal stand-up comic fantasizes her way into a meeting with Joan of Arc. Visual images linked by the logic of dreams, exploring sexuality, guilt, women’s assertiveness, and the power of patriarchy and the church. And…at least one character is burned at the stake.” “Critic’s Pick” PHILADELPHIA CITY PAPER

  “…a very authentic interpretation of St. Joan of Arc…rendering more clearly [than Shaw’s or Anouilh’s plays] her religious faith…relating Joan’s existence to modern feminism. … It’s aim…to expose the confused and sinful nature of human beings as they grope toward redemption and self-acceptance. …(its) sense of the times and women’s spiritual leadership role is very accurate.” Reverend John M Hynes, Associate Pastor, St. Catherine of Siena, Wilmington, Delaware.

  “Pill-popping Lili is deliberately overdosing in a suicide attempt. She dashes to a church and insists that a young priest hear her confession and grant absolution. Then she collapses in his arms. He can't get rid of her fast enough. In the hospital, Lili begins a dream that turns into a nightmare: time-traveling back to the 15th century and playing a kind of loyal sidekick to Joan of Arc in her God-driven mission to save France.” Nels Nelson – DAILY NEWS, Philadelphia

  TAGS: play, theatrical, pageant, Joan of Arc, stand-up comic, patriarchy, priest, fathers of the church, France, Middle Ages,recant, trial, suicide, hearing voices, overdose, burning at the stake, ensemble play, Cheltenham Center, La Pucelle, Joan of Arc, plays by women, monologues for women, Archangel Michael, Saint Catherine, Saint Margaret

  ME & JOAN (of Arc)

  (former title: La Pucelle)

  by

  Karen Sunde

  Originally conceived and directed by Ken Marini

  at Cheltenham Center for the Arts, Philadelphia

  Copyright Karen Sunde

  For all rights to perform this play, apply to:

  130 Barrow #412

  New York 10014

  Tel/Fax 212/366-1124

  [email protected]

  www.karensunde.com

  CONTENTS

  What The Critics Say

  ACT ONE

  ACT TWO

  Other Plays and Screenplays by Karen Sunde

  PRODUCTION

  Set:

  Open, medieval-modern; with moveable candelabra and ladders; as though a circus is taking shelter in a bombed out cathedral.

  Characters:

  LILI, a comedian

  TOMAS, a young priest

  JOAN, of Arc

  Company:

  Three or more – to portray Soldiers: ANTOINE, MAX, PIERRE; Priests: FELIPE, FATHER SUPERIOR, FATHER INFERIOR; and Crowd. (females may be cast in male roles)

  ME & JOAN (of Arc)

  Opening procession:

  Anything goes – like the deepest Mystery Play with Monty Python in the wings. Gregorian chants and battle drum bring in company previewing Joan’s world in parade, dance or mime (may include sirens) – before Lili shatters it.

  At the end, Joan's statue is in place, Tomas is ready to give confession, and a pile of smoldering ashes is swept with a broom. Smoke from incense and candles waft, as Lili skips her way through it all to “warm up” the audience.

  Lili's good at what she does, loves the audience, but beneath her kidding patter, we feel her life – from bright innocent hope to raw disaster. Her attire is macho-erotica leather and lace, like an MTV androgyne. She looks lost, and is carrying a full glass of water.

  LILI:

  Hiya! Boy oh boy oh boy, what a good-looking load of art-lovers. Ummumm ummm. Glad y'all got here! Ooh, you're looking at me funny. Please! Don't be scared. I promised I wouldn't frighten the subscribers. Just picture it: your daughter comes home dressed like this – what advice do you give her?

  I told the shop boy, "Put me in something that'll attract men." And…dadah! (She strikes a provocative pose) It does work. Trust me. Course, the men I'm attracting...aren't exactly what I had in mind...

  Not that they care down at Pigeye's Lounge, where I provide a...social service. No, it's not what you think. What I am is...a reality check – for these guys sautéing their livers in rot-gut...who think they're wasted till they get a load of me. (Expansive, smiling) They relax when they witness my level of confusion.

  See, all I wanted outta life...was to be President. "Mama, can I grow up to be President?" I wanted to save the mother-loving country! I was full of ideas. I could lead the crowd. First one out on the playing field, that's me! (Beat) They wouldn't even let me on the debate team.

  (To punctuate “debate team,” she jerks a bottle of pills from her jacket pocket, and proceeds, during the next lines, to open it and extract a pill)

  I was smarter than any of them, bright-eyed, pure voiced – absolutely dedicated to saving the nation… (Suspended) But all they wanted to hear was – was I doing anything Friday after the game. I ran for President of the Sophomore class, got bigger crowds than anybody, had them in stitches... But did they vote for me? Hah! Next election, Jerry Stiles, the President, cornered me behind the drive-in. "Political caucus," he said. Bull-piddle! He wanted to know, if he took me to the Junior prom, would I write jokes for him. Jokes!

  (To punctuate “jokes,” she swallows the pill, and takes a slug of water, but goes on talking, never dropping her train of thought)

  But I could split their gut – get em laughing till the tears came rolling down. I had "irony." Know what that is? That's when the big boys are wringing your neck, but you stand there with purple skin, pointing to yourself, and say "Ha-ha." They loved me...when I was funny, when I put on a show – so I did.

  (She shakes out another pill)

  I dwindled into an act. A routine. Little song, little soft shoe... I could still hold the floor. Ten times better than those boys. Don't get me wrong, I never wanted to be one. Did you? (She looks directly at a woman in the audience. Beat) Oh. You did. Naw, I could never go along with Freud. (She swallows the pill, drinks) What was I saying? Just a second, I'll find it. I have really tried to be a modern woman, but I'm always slipping off the plank. I mean, circumstances lead you – rape, abuse, cellulite... No wonder I'm a mess!

  (She shakes out several pills at once, but covers the ominous act by her pleased remembering' of her subject)

  That's it! I was telling you about my act. How I wound up here? You know what they pay at this "arts" center? And no tips either? And me five months late on my rent! Course it's a relief to have an audience that's not passed out. I'm not counting your husband, Ma'am. You're welcome. But Cheltenham hired me cause they're not on the “grapevine,” they haven't had the “word” about me, about what I'm likely to...well, certain, actually, given a little time, to do...on their stage...to their audience.

  (She swallows the pills with a big slug of water)

  I notice you're not laughing anymore. Sorry. Look. Pigeyes just canned me, met me at the stage door, and...axed me. You see, I've got this problem with
my... mouth. Can't stop it, can't plug it, before I know it, it's just spouting the most...well, profane...yeah, profanities, that's the word he used. Funny. That fat slimeball saying I was “profane” That I freaked his customers. They stopped buying booze, started shrieking, threw tables at the walls, climbed on stage and beat me to a bloody...

  But there were mitigating circumstances. I was in deep grief. Joey! God, Joey...(She pours out the rest of the pills) When the last thing I could put my skin against, even if he was stinking drunk, still, there was some...blood pressure there, some...tactile presence, but no more. He split. It was the mouth, again. Oh, baby. My hilarious mouth.

  It probably never occurred to you girls, and it might be having an unknown, even devastating effect on your life, but it is a statistically proven fact that... Men are afraid of making love to a comic. And, if you think about it – you don't want to think about it? Naw, that's not true! Joey left for the same reason the rot-heads threw tables at the walls: I drive men to explode, to splatter the ceiling. An hour with me and any yonk on legs is ready for jumping off the Brooklyn.

  (She swallows all the pills but one, and drinks up the water. Then smiles, contentedly, at the audience. She's getting punchy, as though she's drunk)

  But you want funny. What can I tell you. How about a story? OK, get your money's worth. True story. It goes..."A funny thing happened...on the way to confession." No really. Don't laugh. We need religion. Where else are we gonna turn – The Godfather? So, like I said A funny thing happens on the way to confession. Picture it: Pigeyes lowers the boom, "You're outta here!" So I drape my head over the sink, run cold water, grab the pills...

  (She shakes the last pill out of the bottle, is about to take it, but hears— )

  Joan: (The statue) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

  Lili: (Startled) Joan?

  (Lili turns and sinks to her knees before the statue. Father Tomas enters, sees Lili kneeling. He is young, finding his way, but warm, and gentle)

  Tomas: How long since your last confession?

  Lili: (Surprised, but answering) I'm not sure, Father.

  (They segue to a confessional posture, seated, as though with a screen between them. Could be in the triangle of a free-standing ladder or only mimed)

  Tomas: Has it been a week, my child?

  Lili: Longer than that.

  Tomas: A month.

  Lili: More.

  Tomas: A whole year?

  Lili: (Pause) How 'bout I go for, say...twenty?

  Tomas: Twenty...years?

  Lili: 'Fraid so.

  Tomas: (Pause) And during that time...have you sinned?

  (Lili does a slow “take” to audience)

  Lili: You're new here, aren't you.

  Tomas: (Sensing something wrong. Gently– ) Yes...

  Lili: (Gulping for air as she realizes the pills may overcome her, hurries to kneel) I've got to confess. Quick!

  Tomas: (Following, wanting time to understand) I understand.

  Lili: You have to take me! "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

  Tomas: (Beat) Yes. But something's troubling you.

  Lili: What are you telling me? There's a statute of limitations?

  Tomas: Of course not.

  Lili: You think I'm going to beg you?!

  Tomas: Please be calm. I want to help you.

  Lili: I think I'd better get out of here.

  Tomas: No, you're safe here. Don't...

  Lili: Don't what? You're not doing so well, hot shot.

  Tomas: Please relax. We should talk a bit before...

  (He begins to exit the cubicle. Lili cries out, alarmed)

  Lili: No! Stay where you are!

  Tomas: You're in some kind of trouble, and I...

  Lili: No! I don't want to see you!

  Tomas: I can help you.

  Lili: (Tears mix with her fear and fury) Stay there!

  Tomas: (Stopped) I'm here.

  (He reseats himself)

  Lili: (Short of breath, she's